Death

I led worship for Uncle Gan's funeral and speaking about his funeral, it's quite a testament to a person's life when the ceremony's less about the message but more about the eulogies. People kept coming up to talk about him and what he's done in their lives, and apparently more came up the day before till Pastor Mal had to amend the service to accommodate all the sharing.

I never knew Uncle Gan very well personally other than that he was a small person with a big heart. Even after he was stricken with cancer, I still remember him as being one of the first to church, arranging the chairs, helping out with the bulletins etc. and he was always ready with a solid handshake.

Never underestimate the virtues of a good handshake, people. It's actually an excellent way of making a good impression, so don't go around pretending your hand is a piece of dead meat. That kind of limp gesture just about radiates disinterest and 'I don't really like being here/around you, so just let me get the hell out of here'... and well, not a very good way of impressing prospective employers or people alike.

Well, hearing people just wax lyrical about him is quite profound and has gotten me wondering: what will people say about me at my funeral? Or what will I be remembered for actually?

At my age, people don't usually think about the legacy they leave behind I suppose but Pastor Richard did raise a statement yesterday that both reminded and intrigued me:

'Our days are numbered'

We're young so we don't usually think about this kind of things but I'll do like to be able to say that I've left a positive impact on the lives of people around me even now. That people were enriched by my presence, that I've made a difference in people's lives.

Ho hum.

On a less gloomy note, as I was looking through the Genting trip pictures, I realized that somehow I click moderately well with girls that are already taken. My most regular partners in the Genting pictures were Vanessa and Jessica.... Actually most of the girls I take one-with-one pictures with are already taken. And Suzanne ranks amongst the people I enjoy to hang out most with and along with Aunty Jo, is in my best conversationalist list.

Wth whey lol.

I won't be attracted to taken girls anyway but still...

And I had the strangest dream yesterday. It was something like me being stuck in a L4D/Hellgate: London-esque situation and a lot of people I knew just...died. I guess I've been thinking too much about death these days me reckons, and now I should go off and do something to abate my own haha, namely to go to the gym after nearly two weeks of skiving it off due to sheer laziness.

Final thoughts:

I'll like my wedding to be small and melancholic but my funeral to be grand and not at all mournful. I appreciate the irony somehow.

Wrapped in Your Arms is still one of my favorite songs of all time.

My mother said my line of thinking that I'll just wait for God to send me someone who will blow me away should belong in the book 'Dumb Things Smart Christians Believe In'. I got OMFGWTFPWNT by my MOTHER. FAILLLLLLLLLLLLLL

I suppose she needed to get back at me because I was mocking her driving when she drove my car to Uncle Gan's funeral. I facepalmed at her reverse parking T.T

My final exams are one month away, EDC is tomorrow and I still haven't picked up my books. Hohoho *sigh*

Liverpool sucks. Haha, nothing makes my day more than reading about Liverpool failing at one thing or another =DDDD

We might lose 2-nil, but at least we don't lose the next immediate game after our so-called 'revival'! And with two men sent off for good measure, nor draw with the French champions and possibly drop down to the second-rate and more tiring Europa League in the process!

/dance

/run to gym

Reflection and Review

No Inglourious Basterds yet, because of two reasons: 1) there was no Inglourious Basterds on Monday for some reason and 2) we were with Victoria who wanted to see the Time Traveler's Wife instead.

A note if you didn't already know: I am extremely frugal with my money and especially so when it comes to movies. I've been burned on three occasions already with Open Season, Doom and Made of Honor and ever since then I've always had to think twice before investing my money on any movies.

Just cutting to the chase? The Time Traveler's Wife is not something I would normally have spent money on. I only had three reasons for going into the show: 1) No Inglourious Basterds, 2) Suzanne and 3) Rachel McAdams.

And even more cutting to the chase? It was better than I expected... But again, it had a stupidly contrived ending. What is wrong with directors these days and their bloody cheesecake endings? If it's supposed to be sad, LET it be sad and stop ruining it with a lame ending scene that just destroys the emotion you've done well to generate up to that point.

That being said, I still enjoy 500 Days of Summer's ending. Somehow, despite it being cheesy, it did feel a whole lot more natural than say, Transformers 2's ending did.

Talking about other things, Esther commented I've been blogging a lot more as of late. Yes, I have and it's probably because I have more things to talk about now than I have had previously. You see, I have, contrary to what many people believe, a very... boring... life.

If not for the SAC or the college cell group this year, I do think I would have gone mad. Why so? Because of the two aforementioned groups, I have been kept busy and actually have had something to look forward to, other than the mundaneness that is everyday life.

First and foremost, I wanted to finish my ACCA in the UK. God no-goed me I guess because of circumstances that need not be disclosed here~so bam! one dream had the door shut.

Second, my kaki both left in the same year. Ok fine, but now the problem comes where I now have the unenviable situation of sifting through my contact list and discovering that I don't really have anyone I want to hang out with.

It's only in those situations when I feel her absence in my life haha.

Third, I quit WoW. I used to spend quite a bit of my free time on WoW and I had several mates I did dailies, PvPed and jut hung around Shattrath doing nothing but chat with. Now that I don't play WoW, I find myself with a huge surplus of time that I haven't quite been able to fill. And as for writing, it comes in waves for me and not always in tandem with discipline so I haven't quite been able to write as much as I would have liked.

Forth, and probably the most significant reason is that I was angry with God.

You know, some people have actually said to me, you're so bloody Christian. I take that as a compliment haha, but seriously, that doesn't stop me being angry with Him at times.

I mentioned some stuff about commitment in my previous post--oh yes, I do not have any fear of commitment haha! =P --and yes, there have been times in the past when I've asked God 'I've done so-and-so for you, so why can't you let me live my dreams and make things happen for me?'

Or 'why the hell do I have to do this again?' Make no minces about it, I DID NOT want to lead the college cell initially. I actually wanted a long break (still wouldn't mind one, actually) but since there wasn't really anyone else who could take up the role, I just went ahead and did it.

Marcus was teasing Anne about being one of the 'yes' people in church yesterday. You know what, I think I'm a sleeper agent in their cult. Heh.

Yea, so there I was, doing stuff I wasn't all that keen on and watching people get to do the things that I wanted to do. It's not a very nice situation and I have to admit I had a very bad attitude for the beginning of the year. It was so bad till apparently the younger leaders were all a little scared of me and I was raging to Jay so much about something that just pissed me off that he rang Suzanne up to discuss me.

Ok... somehow this really turned into an honest post. I'll take it down sooner or later so congratulations to those of you who actually read this! You're part of a special group because I am an elitist jerk =P

33.33% repeating of course, percentage of survival.

I harbored thoughts of leaving church in those times (but only after getting a successor ok, I don't intend to leave the ministry in a lurch!) but seriously my cell group pulled me through. We were very small in the beginning; most of the time it being me, Sky, Joanne, Bernard and Randall and people who would be there one week and disappear the next (weird times, we fulfilled our new person quota for the year within the first few meetings alone ><) and just their consistent presence reassured me that I had their support.

Believe it or not, consistency itself is a huge encouragement to leaders. To know that people are still willing to follow you despite the personal shit you're going through is often enough more than sufficient to spur you to push beyond yourselves and ultimately succeed in whatever you are trying to achieve.

This only partly explains why I place huge importance on commitment though, but I won't go into the rest because I'm too lazy to elaborate... It's now in my 'must-have' list for shortlisting prospective partners however! xDDD

If I am to be honest, I'm not sure whether I've fully resolved things with God. I do feel that I've been holding back this year, also because of past experience...

Another misconception I want to address here is the one about Christians who are supposed to be perfect. Permit me to be frank, but you can find some of the most screwed up people in our ranks and some of the most memorable and unique characters in the church--it's only that we acknowledge we ARE screwed up and we need God and that is why we are Christian, not so much as we are perfect and therefore subscribe to the Christian religion.

I don't suppose I will ever be fully satisfied with Him at current moment for denying me my dreams. But I do know that He is good for the many things He has blessed me with this year. Firstly for my cell, which despite having one of the most erratic leaders around and starting up in a ministry that was essentially missing, has managed to grow and stabilize. Secondly, for the friends I have made this year and the ones I already had whom I have grown closer to. For the people who have stepped up, for the other opportunities given me in lieu of the dream that He denied me.

I may not be entirely satisfied with Him for now but it does say in the Bible that His ways are different from ours and He works for the good of us... So I shall be faithful where I am, and I shall see where He chooses to take me next year.

If I have hurt anyone or offended anyone's sensitivities here, I do apologize but this is what I feel/have been feeling and perhaps if you have wondered in the past what was wrong with me, you can understand me better through this.

I guess I really am an emo kid haha, whether I like it or not. In any case, it's 2.05 am, my thoughts are exceedingly convoluted right now and I have to touch up my OBU tomorrow so I'll be signing off now...

~anti-climax